Monday, 9 February 2015

let's talk about negativity

I really have to gather myself together before putting my thoughts out about this. I'll probably add more to this later on but right now this is what has been on my mind. This will be a really personal post and I would like for you to share your experiences also (in the comments' box below).

I am not going to name names, try to make someone feel guilty or feel pity/sad for me. No. This is not my purpose, I don't want to radiate negative thoughts and energy. For the last months I've been practicing being positive, finding the good in everything and everyone and it has changed my inner world. It doesn't mean that I've become a buddhist or that I'm naive and don't see the bad. I see it all, I just choose wisely now what to let and not let get a hold of me. I'm the only one in charge of what impresses me in a positive or negative way. I've learned to channel the negative and absorb the positive and give it back to others. 

And I do not want my blog to be just about fashion or shopping. This is my personal blog that I share with all of you. It will be filled with everything I feel expressing, including, yes, outfits, my fashion choices, my thoughts, my experiences. I want this platform to grow in something much much more than just the regular fashion blog. I want it to have a meaning, a backbone because through here you see me and I want to be the best version of me and through here I want to achieve it.

Back to the title. Even thinking about negativity I cringe and become a bit grumpy because so many bad memories come to my mind. But I've found myself actually learning from them. Like, being careful about who gets to enter my life, who gets to have an impact on my emotions and choices. Here I'm talking about friendships. I've never been the one with tons of friends. For the first 16 years of my life I've had truly the best friends and classmates ever. The 9th year of school was the top of the Everest in means of friendships. Everything was so good, we were all so unite. Of course, a bit of gossip and fights here and there, but we were all on the same frequency and that was what mattered. We were all there for each other. But it was also the time that we started to think about our futures. Some moved, some changed schools or, in my case, I moved to another country. I lost touch with some of the people I've practically spent most of my time in Latvia but meeting them even once a year or just chatting with them makes it all feel like yesterday. And that just means that the friendships were real. 

In Italy I lived through the age of 15-16 again (me being 16 and turning 17 in the first year when I moved there and started to go to school when everyone else was about 14-15). This wasn't because I failed or something, this was because of the incapable and awfully organised school system. It was awful at times and it was pretty damn good too. The problem must have been the age difference. It wasn't big but it was noticeable and I felt it more with every year. Of course, there were times when we synced better than ever but there were times when I drifted so apart from everyone because I just couldn't get on the same wave. It was maybe a bit too much of a difference about everything, about their mentality and mine, about my perspective on life and theirs. But still, I did make some good friends also there. In the very last period in Italy I lived through some awful personal expierences and that was the time that opened my eyes. I will not get in the details about what happened in my life there, but it was all too real, like a really bad movie. And I got very very quiet. And because I got so down and closed, more introvert than normally, people started to turn their backs on me. They started to tell pretty bad rumours about me and talk behind my back as soon as I left the room. I've seen some of them do that to everyone who wasn't on the same wave as they. So I just understood that I will never get back on track with them and frankly I did not want to. In hard times true friendships reveal themselves, and false ones too. I was surprised by many who turned their backs on me. I was surprised by some of the false and negative friendships I was living in. But I should not have been surprised at all. But I was because I thought I knew these guys, it turned out I didn't. I survived the most awful time of my life with a healthy mind, mostly thanks to my boyfriend who held my head over the water and my feet on the ground and just kept me mentally stable. Many still think that we're just fools in love, but we are not. He is my rock. These negative friendships even got in the middle of our relationship but the lies always lose to what is real. At the end, I was left with great exam results, because I put my focus on school, work and relax equally, and 3 people who were true to me. And actually, that was all I needed. I never needed to be the cool kid or the most loved one or the most hated one. I understood that shallow people just always need someone to bark on like dogs. I was that little person getting beaten down and look where I am now - I feel grateful because I lost such a big part of negativity in my life and acquired more love than I could ever imagine.

I'm not talking shit about anyone here. I'm just telling you my story. I want to tell you to really be thoughtful about who you let in your heart, you have to be careful with the people you choose to share your everyday life with. Your inner world is the most precious thing you have, your emotions, your feelings, your thoughts and your mental health. Don't let anyone take you down because they're not happy with their own lives. You are the number one priority to no one but yourself. Take care of yourself from the inside. Re-evaluate your relationships and don't drown in negativity. It won't take you anywhere.

I've had so many different friendships and every one of them, good or bad, has made me into the person I am today. And the only thing I have to do is use my experience to polish myself and my personality to become the best I can be. From a simple stone to a precious one, even a diamond. And no one should stay in your way to do the same. Negativity and insincerity are the biggest buzz killers, seriously.
Yours sincerely,
Ieva


P.S.

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices." 

 ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars


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